Relieved!

Yesterday I had been accused of being in a bad mood. I don't know that I was in a bad mood as much as I was in a quiet mood, but I was outnumbered in that assessment. (I really wasn't though!)

As timing would have it as I was driving home last night I heard Creed's "My Own Prison", which is one of the few songs of theirs I truly enjoy and still listen to.  I started singing the song out loud, thankfully alone. I still have some lingering cold and I sound more like a moose looking for a mate than a singer. Poor God. He had to hear that.

The lyrics to "My Own Prison" have always had an effect on me, and last night was no different. I was imagining the scene of someone who knew that their time was up and no amount of regret was going to change the situation. For a split second my heart was in my throat as I felt the fear of that day.

However, I know I will not have to ever bear witness to that scene, my peace came flooding back. Just then though my heart broke as I thought of those who have denied their Creator. I have several loved ones who don't accept Christ as their savior, and to know they face that...

And it isn't so much death either as knowing what they are missing out on now. Constant access to peace, love, strength, joy, compassion, healing, relief, hope, wisdom, and so much more.  While I was in my prayer time last night I had to take a moment and thank God for being God.

Where would I be without Jesus?  When I was in high school would I have taken my life because of the bullying?  Would I have gone into a tail spin when my beloved grandmother died and I was already feeling so lost? My answer would be I hope not, but I can tell you with all certainty that had it not been for Christ and His love for me I would be in a very different place than I am right now.

His overwhelming love for me, and his constant patience with me as a sinner is incomparable and unwavering. I pray for my loved ones to feel this, to know this for themselves. And I pray it for all of you.

The best part? It doesn't matter what religion you are, where you are, what you do, what you've done, or your political beliefs (that's a joke, but seriously...), all you have to do is accept Christ as your personal savior.

How easy is that? It is for everyone in the world, no matter of background. And you don't have to belong to organized religion at all.

Truly, praise Jesus!



My Own Prison
by Creed

*Feel free to discuss any of what I said with me in the comments.

Much Love,
Kelli

Courageous

I went and saw this movie today with my dad and church family.  It was a wonderful movie, and I highly recommend it to anyone.  I have to say my favorite part though was the reaction from the audience.  In one scene a father is telling his fifteen year old girl that if the boy she likes doesn't respect her parents then he won't respect her.  There was a chorus of women going, "Mmmhmmm." and you could practically feel the head move that came with that.

This was a fabulous Christian-based film.  See it and support it if you get the chance.

And I can't wait until this movie comes out:

A Joyful Noise!

When I saw it had Dolly Parton AND Queen Latifa I was sold. I love both of those women.  There are some good movies coming out and I can't wait to see them!

And on a personal note, I'm starting a new blog. I don't know if I'll keep this one or not, but I feel the need to start a new one.  You can view it here: Defending Awkward (Since 1981)

Much Love,
Kelli.

To Keep Moving

I did something today that hurt. It still hurts.  I had to tell my co-pastor that I had to step down as a Sunday school teacher.  The look on his face made it nearly impossible to keep the tears at bay because this isn't something I want to do, but it is something I need to do.  I love my church family. I'm not leaving, leaving, but I will no longer be there on Sunday mornings.

My church doesn't have a big singles group, in fact I am the only single girl there (at my age).  And even in my own social circle I am the only single girl.  I need people in my life who are where I am, and I can't find that in my current circumstances.  I would like to meet someone special, but if I don't that's okay too. I do, however, want to meet other singles who are my age.  More importantly other Christian singles.

My church family is like my real family. I love them dearly.  I will still be there for Wednesday night Bible Study, and our Ninevite Outreach Program, but the time has come to go on. It isn't an easy decision, and not one I would make on my own.  However, I had three separate sources who said the exact same thing to me, and not one of them speaks to the other.

I guess I'm posting this to not only help with the pain of it, but to also encourage you. If there is a comfort zone you are being asked to move away from I'm there with you.  You can do it, and you should.  I'm here for you and you can take comfort in the fact someone else understands.

Believe it or not I take great comfort in a song by REO Speedwagon, which to me just sounds like God speaking to me:

"As soon as you are able
Woman, I am willing
To make a break
that we are on the brink of

My cup is on the table
My love is spilling
Waiting for you to take
and drink of

So if you're tired of
the same old story
Turn some pages
I'll be here when you are ready
to roll with the changes"

And I feel like the second set of verses are my response to Him.  A little weird perhaps, but that's how God works with me.



Roll with the Changes
by REO Speedwagon

Much Love,
Kelli

A Stellar Weekend

I must say that a few months ago I was praying for today. I prayed of a time when I could splurge on myself, have dinner with friends, have an eventful weekend, and at the end smile because it was all good.  I don't write this because I was to throw it in some one's face, but I want to tell those who are struggling that there is hope out there.  That dream you keep seeing, the vision that helps you go on when it isn't at all as you pictured, you will have that day.

Such a blessing this weekend was.

We went to dinner at RJ Gators on Friday night, and since I arrived early I was able to shop at the mall.  This proved to be fatal to my wallet. I found not one, but two beautiful purses.  I called my mom to ask what I should do. Her advice was to splurge on myself and enjoy some of my hard earned cash.  I had dreamed about it for months, why not take the time to do so.  Well, if Mom says it's okay who am I to argue?

On Saturday I started the day off early, but to spend time with Shas, helping her get ready for her baby shower? That I'm willing to do any time.  Besides spending time with your best friend is never a chore.  As soon as I know how big Baylor will be when Halloween rolls around this is the outfit he is getting. Shas loves Elvis and it is too cute to pass up.

Plus I got to spend the afternoon with my second family, Shas' mom and sister at the shower.  Afterward my mom and I went to the book store where I picked up this gem I've been waiting for:

Erik Larson's In the Garden of Beasts.  If you haven't read Erik Larson before, might I suggest, RUN and get any book of his.  My introduction to this fabulous author was his book, Devil in the White City, about the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago and America's first serial killer, H.H. Holmes.  All non-fiction, but reads like a fantastic fiction book.  If you want an even easier read try his Isaac's Storm, about the hurricane that leveled Galveston in 1901. It is told from Isaac Hayes, the meteorologist of Galveston and the hurricane itself. With fabulous stories and a great read you can not go wrong reading anything Erik Larson writes!


Then today I got to visit with my favorite missionary family, The Johnson's, who were in town for the summer. If you'll remember I stayed with them when I lived in Mexico.  It was so good to see everyone and I even got to visit with D's mother, whom I enjoy so immensely.  Afterward I talked my dad into seeing:

Captain America.  Wonderful movie. It had humor, romance, no curse words, and a very handsome Chris Evans.  Plus Tommy Lee Jones was hilarious, my admiration for all things Stanley Tucci still stands, and it was really a fun ride.  I encourage anyone to see it.  Of course now I feel the need to see Thor...

Finally, I ended the day with some swimming, Jerseylicious, and Law & Order: Criminal Intent.  Truly a blessed day. I hope and pray this kind of weekend for all of you.  I just feel so blessed, and it feels so surreal.  I also feel slightly paranoid that it might not last, but I'm very, very grateful!

So Far Away
by Staind

Much Love,
Kelli!

What Did Joseph Think?

Author's Note: This has been written over a two week period.

Quick Point: If you haven't had any struggles in your life, or things have pretty much always gone your way what I'm about to say is not for you.  However, if you've done everything you know to do and you're worse off than you've been this is for you.

I have had to pray for encouragement for the past few months and much more intensely for the past few weeks.  Financially, personally, spiritually, politically, drivingly (I know not a word, but I was on a role)...  Lets just there isn't a realm that hasn't been affected (or is it effected?  I get this wrong nearly every time, I'm sorry!! - I don't like be grammatically incorrect, but I'm really bad at it.).

The worst has been my finances.  I do everything I know to do: I tithe, I pray, I study the Word, and still it is in such a dire state that the actual thought of it could bring me to tears... so I gloss over it.  A week or so I was to the point of no longer being sad or upset, but downright furious.  Everything irritated me.  In fact one night I went to Keni's house and told her that I was at the end of my rope, and all I wanted to do was swear.  I wanted to use the f-word like no one's business because it represented my frustration and anger over a situation I can't seem to have any control over.

I refrained for her.  I did not refrain for my mother when she asked what was wrong.  After my spilling of all that was going on, of all the failures (and my seeming anti-Midas touch where everything I touch seems to go to crap), I said I was mad at the world.  Then she asked me if I was mad at the world or at God?

The truth is I was mad at God.  I didn't want to be. I don't want to be a petulant child unable to have the "faith" to go through this without complaint.  However, I couldn't lie to myself or to God and I was angry.  Deeply angry.  It isn't like this problem just suddenly manifested itself and has only been going on a few weeks, months, or days.  No, it has been going on for YEARS.  And it seems no matter what I do it doesn't get better.  I have faith God can do anything, but it has seemed, especially the last two years, that He has some how forgotten me.

I know that's not true, but in the hardest moments, especially the last few weeks when it all was so unrelenting that is how it felt.  Last week I started making it a daily prayer.  And I want to tell you God has delivered.  My circumstances are just as depressing as they ever were, but He has given me the peace and encouragement I needed.

Last week I found out I didn't get a job I had interviewed for.  While slightly upsetting I mourned the money more than the job itself.  However, it didn't upset me nearly as much as it could.  At the exact moment I got the call I was reading the wonderful news that Shas was having a boy!  Plus with all the people praying for me if I didn't get the job it was because God didn't want me to have it.

At the same time I was able to put a two month deferment on my student loans, which although I know all about the problems with that, it is a blessing for me.  So, even though I only made $3 (all gifts) it was okay.  It was really okay.  Then I made a radical change, one that I've been trying to implement for some time.  As the saying goes, "Money makes a wonderful servant, but a bad master."

I no longer wanted my money to be my master.  It certainly is necessary to every day living, but at the same time the way it can cause such stress is, for lack of a better word, stressful.  After this epiphany I tithed one of my dollars.  There.  To be honest it was hard (I now only had $2), but the longer I thought about it the better I felt.

On Monday it was pouring. It was blissfully cool (54 degrees), and rainy.  My radio doesn't work most of the time, so I was listening to my MP3 when I started to skip past "King of Glory" by Third Day.  Then I thought, no, I'm going to praise God.  No matter what, He will see me through this.

Before the chorus began my phone rang.  It was the guy I had interviewed with asking me if I was still interested in the job.  I most certainly was....

A few days later I want you to know I start on Monday.

I want you to know, if you are in that spot now, if it is hard and you're thinking, that's great for her, but what about me?  I do know how you feel, and I do want you to be encouraged that it will get better if you know Jesus.

Thank you for those of you who have been praying for me.  They have blessed me and I'm truly grateful.



King of Glory
by Third Day

Much Love,
Kelli

Devotional: Encouragement

I apologize for not getting yesterday's post out.  Exciting day, but it didn't give me much of a chance to be here.  Today's devotional isn't really any new in insight, but I think it is something that we don't give or get as much as we should.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I want you to know that if you are going through a rough time that it will get better.  I know it might not seem like it, I truly do, but it will get better.

I want you to know that if you are not feeling like you are looking your best that you are beautiful.  I realize that you might not look like a supermodel, in fact you are what some would call the dreaded "fat" word, but you are beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.

I want you to know that if you are struggling to be a better person, or turn your life around you will.  The very fact you care to do so and are taking the time to do it means the most.  Keep it up and one day you will be that person that you want to be and Jesus wants you to be.

I love you all!



Voice of Truth
by Casting Crowns

Much Love,
Kelli

What to Say

Dear Friends,

How are you doing today?  I hope you are doing well.  As you can see from the last post there has been some excitement going on with me.  I have several devotionals started, but unfortunately I haven't finished them yet, so you're stuck with me and my non-thought-out thoughts.

The first is that my car is back from the shop and doing as well as it can.  The muffler broke right next to the catalytic converter.  I took it to a muffler place and Big Jim welded it back together for me.  Then I took it back to Doc McGee and he got my lights to shine at the same brilliance (not where the driver light is way brighter than the passenger light).  However, my radio has more shorts in it then just the ground wire, so it still comes on randomly.  Praise the Lord my dad had some money to help me out otherwise I don't know what I would have done.

Second I've been in prayer for two people, and although you might not know them if you want to say a prayer for them and their families I know it would be appreciated.  Alan, whom I tutored in Mexico, lost his best friend last night.  He died in a car crash at the age of 21. 

Back when I lived in Mexico as a tutor Alan's aunt and uncle came to live in the house with family until they got to where they would be missionaries.  The aunt, Kelly, who is only a year or so older than I am, is in the hospital with something that even the infectious disease doctor doesn't know what it is.  She just had her baby four weeks ago. 

My heart and prayers go out to the families of both as they struggle through this.

I've been singing this song since about Tuesday, so if you need a pick me up too here it is:



Keep On Tryin'
by Poco

Much Love,
Kelli

Bring Me Sunshine

Sometimes, even as a Christian, you have days that just bring you down.  They are rough, hard to take, and all of your emotional issues seem to come to the forefront.  Yes you have abundant life and a joy you can't explain, but there are times when you just don't feel that and with good reason.  Sometimes life just flat out sucks.

I've been going through a time period where all of my work, all of my effort, and all of my mental and emotional excursions seem to be for naught.  I've talked about an anti-Midas touch, and I have certainly felt that for a couple of weeks now.  I've cried out to the Lord in prayer and I have received four friends, two words, one song, and a walk.

The four friends were actually a different times, but each one has been such a wonderful relief to me and a blessing of uplifting love.  I really needed their encouragement, and I'm blessed to have them in my life.

The first word I received was from the book of Luke 1:45 (NIV):

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.

Then I heard this from Pastor Paul's podcast (Lessons Every Dreamer Must Learn Part 2 Continued) today:

When God is grooming us for greatness He brings us up slowly.

Then of course was this song: I don't think a better video ever came to my attention right when I needed it like this video. It is "Bring Me Sunshine" by the Jive Aces. I'm a sucker for fun time-pieces.



Bring Me Sunshine
by the Jive Aces

I know I sometimes vacillate between the two thoughts "I'm the only one going through this!" and "My problems are so small compared to others why am I complaining?"  The truth is neither of these things.  I went on a prayer walk with my church last night.  We went through the neighborhood walking and praying for each house as we did.  We didn't stop in front of each house, but just walked and prayed.  I never prayed for myself once during that walk and it was so wonderful to get my mind off my own problems.  I encourage you to do it as well.

I wanted to write to you and tell you that even in the midst of a rough time that there are blessings, that there are rewards, and that you will get through this.  You aren't alone and no matter what the issue is, if it is truly bothering you then don't worry about how big or small it may be to someone else's problem.  Ask the Lord to guide you through the time and keep on praying for others.

Much Love,
Kelli

Life Application: Forgiving Yourself

To make sure I keep myself humble, and to show you that I always learn more than I can teach I thought I would follow up my devotionals/teaching posts with my life application of them.

Normally I would wait and at least give you more than a day's worth of reflection, but yesterday after I posted Forgiving Yourself I was struck over the head several times on the subject of forgiveness.

The first thing I did was take my own advice and truly contemplate what I thought my worst vice was.  What did I do that constantly made me un-happy with myself and therefore caused me to, at times, hate myself.  As I thought about it I think I came up with it: complacency.

I get into moods where I believe things are "good enough", and I accept that they are and move on.  However, I have found that when I do this that it comes back and bites me in the butt.  Hard.  Suddenly I'm transported back to that great Calvin & Hobbs cartoon where Calvin is trying to sell "Swift Kicks in the Butt for a Dollar!"  And as no one seems to be buying his service he turns to Hobbs and utters, "Why is it that the one thing people need nobody wants?"

I do not want a swift kick in the butt at any price, but time and again I get it.  And I have yet to understand why this happens.  And so it was this thought that reminded me that I, at times, allow complacency to creep in and cause me turmoil.  The thoughts, "If I had only done this..."  "If I had thought about..." So, as I also talked about what is it that I can do to turn this around?

I have to forgive myself or past mistakes will keep coming back and I'll continually beat myself up about it.  Second I have a new question that I ask myself at the end of every task, "Have I done all I can do?"  If the answer is "Yes" then I need to move on. If something happens and I learn there was something else I needed to do then I need to realize that it was an honest mistake, learn from it, and move on.  If the answer is "No" then I need to continue working until I'm satisfied that I've done everything I can do.

For me honest mistakes hurt far less than casual mistakes that could have been prevented if I were on my game.

Second I listened to North Point's 2nd Part of their series Life Applications.  The second part is about the life application of forgiveness.  There are many references in the Bible to forgiveness and we know that to make ourselves whole we need to forgive.  Not because the other person deserves it, but because it frees us from the grudge and residual anger that eats at us.  Even if it is directed at ourselves.  If you get the chance I suggest you listen to it.  Especially the very end when they have an incredible special guest.

I'll come back and visit how I'm doing with this new found thought, but I want you to know that I don't take what I tell you lightly.  If I'm going to teach I have to believe it.  Which is also why they would kick me out of public school as a teacher because I'm not teaching anything as fact when I know it to be false.  That's a discussion for another time though.

I know that forgiving yourself is hard, but I hope that you do.  It will release you from so many beatings that you have given yourself, and suddenly life doesn't seem nearly as harsh as it was before.  Remember nothing is ever destroyed from without unless it was first destroyed from within.

Much Love,
Kelli

A Love Story

"Do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  Zephaniah 3:16-17

I was on my way to my usual Friday Night dinner with dear friends and I was thinking over the week.  I, of course, was flipping through stations as I was in my dad's truck and not my radio-deprived car when Bruno Mars' song, "Grenade" came on.

I have the song nearly memorized and wasn't thinking much about it until the chorus came,

To give me all your love is all I ever asked,

Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya

As a single girl I have certainly thought of what my "prince charming" might be like, and I don't know of a single person who wouldn't feel excited if someone felt the same way the person in the lyrics does.  This got me to thinking about who in my life might have this same sentiment for me.  And like a ton of bricks it hit me: Jesus.

As many know I've been reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, and much of the book is focused on the love of Jesus and the powerful Enemy (Satan) who hates us.  So, I wanted to share with you a love story that you might not be aware of, and one that you are fully apart of:

My favorite stories always started with someone who didn't know their worth and the hero who saw it and did everything to rescue the person not only from themselves but from a very powerful enemy.

I think we could all be describing ourselves or someone we know in this scenario.  There are so many who don't know their self worth and understand what an incredible human being they are.  God saw it.  He not only created you but loved you so much he sent a Hero to save you.  You are not bad and horrible, sinful yes, but so worthy of love and of course forgiveness.

Jesus saw you, all of you, and loved you so much that he willingly laid down his life to rescue you.  To bring you back to him and his father so that you could live forever with him. And until you got to them he sent you a guide to help you through the dangerous perils that we all have to fight.

The best stories are not only where there is a hero who fights, but where the main character has to fight and learns that they too are of value and bring something to the story.  That, my beloved is you.  God sent Jesus to rescue, Jesus loved you enough to die for you (and if you were the only one he would have willingly died for just you), and Jesus sent the Holy Spirit so that you could continue in this world until you are re-united with your savior, hero, and love.

I don't think there is a better story.  And unlike the song that inspired this song, you have the ability to love back and know from you heart outward how much you are loved.  You just have to accept the love.

If you have any questions I'm here.

Much Love,
Kelli

The Defense of Cinderella

When I was in the second grade I remember sitting in a large circle with my classmates as our teacher explained that we would be re-enacting Cinderella.  To keep things fair all the girls would be given a number, and a copy of that number was in our teacher's sack.  Whoever had the matching number would be Cinderella.  My number was 23.

It was as if from a dream because that was the number my teacher pulled.  I, Kelli, was going to be Cinderella.  In my second grader female mind I had just won the lottery. Immediately after I had won, one girl, who was considered the prettiest of the class, asked what I would be wearing.  I answered I was going to wear my favorite dress.  She said she had a better dress and I could borrow it.  I politely declined because I wanted to wear my dress.  After all I was Cinderella and I could wear the dress I wanted.

Then as it came out that I had declined the kind offer the suggestion I let this girl be Cinderella started.  I didn't let any of it get to me though (even at that age) because I knew they were jealous of my win.  On the day we were to dress as our characters I had my favorite dress on (wish I had a picture of it), but when I got to school some of my joy was robbed as I realized how much more appropriate for Cinderella that the pretty girl's dress would have been.  She had a beautiful white gown on and mine, well it wasn't a gown.

Other girls started pointing out how I should have let the pretty girl be Cinderella, and even though no matter what I wouldn't have given that spot away, I'll never forget that moment when I thought, perhaps, I should have.  Even by second grade I had though that my outer beauty was more important than the fact that I was Cinderella.  No matter what I looked like I was still Cinderella.

This memory came to me last night as I was praying for healing of my broken heart ( a process to be sure).  Much of the hurt I have faced was always about my outer beauty.  I am a "big" girl.  I was a beautiful child, I look back at old pictures of me and for the life of  me can't figure out where left that sparkling girl at.  She's still here with me, but I have suppressed her because as I was told in the second grade, and believe now, I'm a false Cinderella.

However, because of this prayer to heal my broken heart, and this memory was one that needed to be healed, I have a new perspective.  One I hope will help you.  I still am Cinderella.  In the Bible many decisions were done by casting lots.  It was seen as asking God to write the story and choose the path.  I won that lot.  And I want you to know that you have too.

Cinderella's prize is not that she got to marry the prince (that was a blessing, but it wasn't the prize).  It is that she gets to become the outer princess that she always was on the inside.  Her means of getting there may have been by a ball and prince, but the reason we long for her to win is that she is not just physically beautiful, but gracious, kind, and beautiful on the inside.  Cinderella becomes what she was always meant to be: a princess.

And if you are daughter of the King then that does make you a princess.  You have an incredible, beautiful heart, and the enemy (much like Cinderella's step-family) will to steal, kill, and destroy that heart.  Jesus is healing that one moment in time and showing me that it didn't matter the dress I felt like a princess and I am, and He wants me to tell you that you are too.

Join my friend and sister and ask for the healing (if you haven't) for that broken place deep in your heart.

Much Love,
Kelli

Two Wrong Answers

I have started reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge.  I was seeking a book out that might be able to help me with some of the issues I was going through in my Christian walk.  And as I started reading the book to see if it were right for me I found myself nodding my head, a lot.

In my Christian walk I have found that I too have two answers to what has happened to me. They are:

1. I blew it.  I screwed up.  I did something wrong, etc.
2. God is holding out on me.

Both are devastatingly wrong, but in my current state of mind they were the two that made the most sense.  Either I had messed up or God could fix it, but wouldn't, and usually I would think He wouldn't because of something I had done.  A vicious cycle to be sure.

I'm still reading the book and what I read last night made me cry. (Just keep in mind I cry at Hallmark commercials, so if you're not inclined to crying you'll be fine, but if you are, get the Kleenex out.)  However, because of this book my perception and focus are changing.

I want to encourage you that if you feel stuck, like perhaps you'll never get it, as I do so often, that isn't the case.  That is a lie.  And we know who the father of all lies is.

In the coming weeks I'll tell you what I'm personally doing that I have found to help me, and perhaps can help you.

As you know I can't let this go without some music.

So here I give you:



Pictures of You
by The Last Goodnight
Much Love,
Kelli

Day 26: Some Good Fun

Hello love,

How are you doing today?  I am, doing better.  I had to share this story with you really quickly, because even four days later I'm still laughing.

As you may know I am the 2nd-5th Grade Sunday School teacher at my church.  This was an exchange on Sunday morning:

Male 2nd Grader:  "Last night we watched 'whores'."
Me (trying to keep eyes from bugging out): "You watched what?...
Male 2nd Grader (talking as if I were stupid): " 'Whores' they went through this room and there were rats everywhere."
Me (very confused): Oh, well...
Male 5th Grader Interrupting: "He means 'Horders'.  They were cleaning the room and there were lots of rats."
Me (very relieved): "Oh, yes, hoarders, that is some nasty stuff huh?"

Thank goodness for that 5th Grader.  I knew the 2nd Grader didn't mean what he said, but for the life of me I couldn't figure it out.

Now for something older, fun, and cool:



I'll Be Seeing You
by Frank Sinatra

Much Love,
Kelli

Day 25: Beauty from Pain

Hello Dear Friend,

I once heard that one of the traits of someone who is a natural born teacher is if they want to share what they've learned with others.  If that is the case then I guess you could say I am a teacher.  I want to share with you what I've been learning and I want to know, dear friend, how are you doing, really?  I won't lie to you I've been better, but I've been a whole lot worse than this too. 

I woke up this year, and to be honest I hadn't even realized that I was asleep.  I knew that I was in some sort of depression over what was going on.  I knew that I wasn't ready for God's next step because the last one had been so difficult for me emotionally, but I didn't realize until this week that I had been running away from God.

In everything, I've shown up when I needed to, and I did my job, but I certainly wasn't engaged in what I was doing.  I was simply going through the motions.  As 2011 approached I started to seriously consider what was going on with my life.  My passion for God was almost non-existent, my desire to make a difference wasn't to be found, and I really hadn't enjoyed life as I had before this time. 

This is a big year for me, I turn thirty, and it bothers me only because I'm not where I thought I was going to be at this age.  All of my friends seem to be, but not me. I had often joked that if I was still living with my parents at thirty that for my birthday everyone could just drop off a bottle of alcohol and I would sleep through the day.  As I laughed about it, I often cried because the pain of it was so true.  However, that is not how I want to celebrate.  I want thirty to be good and the only way it was going to be good was if I said it was going to be.  All of my emotions and feelings (which can be big fat liars) were my decision.  And the way I had been is not where I wanted to stay.

I have never once in my life wanted something just normal.  I have always wanted adventure, a life full of love, compassion, joy, peace, travels, adventures, and never once did I just want to exist.  So, why after God has given me such a life, was I complaining because it wasn't normal I still don't understand.  It doesn't matter though, because that is not where I am today.

Today I'm fully engaged again.  I'm excited about the next step that God has for me, and don't think for a moment that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the tender love and patient compassion of my Jesus.  I've been studying Jonah from Priscilla Shrier and it has opened my eyes.  I would love to discuss it with anyone who has gone through it or is going through it.  A marvelous study that has done nothing but keep my head nodding with the truth of life, God, and my own behavior.

If you are hurting I want to pray for you.  Just leave a comment, you don't have to tell me what, just a name and yes, you need prayer.

I might have shown this video before, but it just fits so perfectly into this post that I want to share it with you.



Beauty from Pain
by Superchick

I know you will hope again.

Much Love,
Kelli

Day 2: Restart

Let's be honest here, in fact I'm going to really confess a few things about myself, so that you, the reader, know who you are dealing with.

For one thing I'm a worrier.  Always have been.  I'm quite good at it.  Another thing is that I don't trust people as a general rule.  I've been very hurt in the past and it makes it hard to open up and be vulnerable.  And finally I don't want to be known as foolish, a fool.  From the very core of my being it bothers me to think I was duped and that if I had just been smarter I could've prevented what happened.

So, when trusting God it requires me to go against all three of those instincts.  I can't be a worrier because I have to trust God.  I have to be vulnerable and open my heart to God and believe that He has my best interest at heart.  Finally, if I believe God will answer something (at a specific time) and doesn't then I look foolish and quite frankly feel foolish for believing that He would, and I can't think that way if I truly trust God. 

However, as I've been stating on here for over a year I not only need to trust God I HAVE to.  I tried it a few weeks ago, but with schedule, sickness, and other issues blogging about it has been tough.  So, I'm going to give it a re-start and do it again for this year.

To truly put myself out there I will tell you what it is I'm praying for, what I'm believing God for this week:

• That my financial situation will be answered this week and taken care.  I don't care how God does it, I want to give Him the glory for it, so I have to trust that He will take care of me and what is going on.
• That this week will be a good week and that the goals we have set forth for the business will be done.

I realize there are only two goals, but the first one is MAJOR.  It is the reason I'm worrying right now and why I have to stop.  Enough of this, it is time for a re-start.  A new year is a great start.  And yes, I will fail on days, perhaps weeks or even a month, but I will come back.  I hope that if you have a goal or resolution for the year that you and I can do this together.  That you will know that you are not alone.  And that you too can re-start.

Much Love,
Kelli

Incredible Truth

I don't know about you, but when God is teaching me lessons and I'm learning about Him and how things work he usually starts with something small. Then I start to hear or see whatever it is everywhere. Today was no different.

Now my frustration with teaching Sunday school is well known. Most of it due to the fact that I'm not sure how to engage kids ranging from 2nd to 5th grade. And it can be difficult when you have to discipline, but not really disciplining them as you would if you were their school teacher.

So, of course I've entertained the idea of quitting. To not let it be part of my life, to not have to deal with the frustration and difficulty that it brings. However, it is not in my nature to quit. After I made the decision to not quit, but to keep going and perhaps see this as an opportunity I came to realize that the idea was not my own.

God has placed me in this position and it is to my best interest to see it as an opportunity He has provided for me to move on to the next step (whenever/wherever that might take place). This thought/idea gave me great comfort, gave me a goal, something to work for.

Then, just as I was about at my wit's end again, he brought this message from Andy Stanley that summed up exactly what God had been telling me. You can view the whole sermon series here:  http://www.northpoint.org/messages The whole series has been incredible, but the 4th one was the one I heard today.

So, thank you God, this was very much appreciated.

Love to you all!

Playing Hookie & Hate

Just weeks ago a poor young man killed himself because he was being outed and tortured for being gay.  And yet today, I read an article about how overweight women earn less than $5,000 a year to their thinner counter parts.  It wasn't so much the article because anyone who has been overweight can tell you about the prejudice.  It was the comments listed that upset me.

I agree there is an obesity epidemic.  I agree that eating healthy foods is very hard, especially when you are broke.  I do have some solutions to that, real solutions, not where you look like your spending the same amount, but is not lasting the same amount of time.  I believe that our jobs and our lifestyles have contributed to our obesity problem here, but I also know that fat people are usually not lazy or stupid. Yes, there are some exceptions of those who have given up the fight and don't even care, but I know that is the exception, not the rule.

All that to say that the amount of comments that were cruel and rude about fat people makes me think that no lesson has been learned.  It has just transferred to a different group.  Does anyone think being cruel to a human being is going to get them to change?  Is that how it is done?  I know it first  hand.  Even though I work out, watch my food in-take, I'm still a size 18, but until my hormone level is balanced there isn't any more that I can do and so I'm punished for something that I can't fix.  (They still don't know if it is caused by my adrenal glands - which can be fixed or my ovaries - which can't be fixed.)

I would love to lose weight and wear even cuter clothes, but I'm not about to let the fact I can't stop me.  And I don't want you to either.  You do have great things going for you.  There is no one on this earth that is like you, you are here to offer a unique contribution.  The hater's voice is loud and in your face, but that is because those who are liars usually scream the loudest.  The truth speaks quietly, but with assertiveness.  Listen to that quiet voice that tells you you are worth it.

If you would like to follow some of my suggestions please do or contribute your own.  These aren't hard to follow and you can certainly switch them up to what you can do.

Work Out:

Power Walk for 30 minutes. - This is where I started.  Once you can walk it without having to stop and breathe push yourself further.  If you don't want to be seen do it in your backyard or in a place where you feel safe.

I actually have a new piece of exercise equipment I'm using and it is kicking my butt.  I'm cool until minute 2 then I'm breathing heavy, but I get to watch TV or listen to music while I do it, and it makes it much easier. (I also like this because on days when I don't want to I can watch or listen to my goals and it gives me the push I need.)

Food:

They say you should take your ideal weight and multiply it by 1000 to get your total caloric intake. 
135 x 1000 = 1,350 calories for the day.

Seems tough I took the approach to eliminate just one thing a day for one week.  Once I got used to not needing that item then the next week I took out another item until I got to the caloric intake that was needed (while still working out).

Also if you don't like salads (as I abhor, HATE, lettuce) then make one of the vegetables you do like.  I actually like carrots, cucumbers, cauliflower.  So I eat those with reduced fat dressing.  It's actually not that bad. 

I know the hardest thing to do is start, but give yourself some space and peace and just do one thing that will improve your health.  After the first step the next one is a little easier.

Want to start with me?

Love to you!

Music to get your started:

Faith, Hope, and Desire

I had a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend, and I hope that you did too.  I even made my own lemonade and it tasted wonderful.  My sister, DeeDee, thought it was sweet, but I have a bigger sweet tooth than she does.  Her thing is pickles, which I fully understand, but my favorite is just about anything with sugar. 

Meanwhile, I woke up this morning with such a sharp pain in my stomach, turns out it is allergies.  How boring and awful!  I also had a bruise on my stomach and I have no idea how it got there, it was either from swimming, or it was my dog's paw.  To be honest I'm going with the second theory.  He gets a little violent sometimes and likes to kick his feet at me to propel himself fruther.

I'm yawning now too... did that make you yawn?  No?  Lucky.  I drank more caffiene this weekend then I normally do in two weeks.  So today without any of it I'm having the hardest time staying awake.  Not to mention I had a scare this morning, well not a scare, more of a 'here we go again' and not in a pleasant way.  I just get so sick of the not good news.  I want a lot of good news to come my way, for me.  Selfish though that may sound it is the truth.

So, I prayed then on a sheet of paper I wrote out four things that I said were answered even though they hadn't been.  One and two were answered today and I'm waiting on three and four.  Meanwhile NorthPointe (helmed by Andy Stanley) has a series called The Chase, that is really speaking to me.  They just ended a series last week called, Guardrails, that was amazing. Really, good.  You can check them out HERE.

Meanwhile I need to buy a simming cap to keep my natural blonde hair from turning green because I plan to spend a lot of time in the pool.  Great exercise and they say Thursday it is suppose to get up to 99!  So, with thoughts of summer I will leave you with this picture, which is part of a series on my wallpapers.

With Love, Kelli

Proverbs are Haunting Me

I have a very bizarre urge/desire to watch The Mummy.  I'm going to blame it on THIS article about the Top 5 Ghost Tours in the World.  I want to go on a good ghost tour.  I don't believe in them, but I love history.

I think tonight (if I can clean out the fridge) I'm going to attempt to make my own lemonade, no powder, the real stuff. I'm so happy that Memorial Day Weekend is finally here. I don't know about you, but I could use some fun and relaxation.

Last night this is what was building up outside our back door.

 Apparently I still don't know how to work this Google photo placement either.  I'm really starting to resent programs that think they know that I'm going to do.  I like being unpredictable for a reason.

As I was writing Mashable tweeted an article called: The Future of Web Fonts, since I've been dubbed The Font Queen, due to a some what (okay borderline obsession with fonts) this was a great read.  You can read it HERE.

Now, you might be wondering what does any of this have to do with Proverbs and it its ability to haunt me.  Well, I've been learning self control in my Bible study and one of the verses it gives is:  "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:28.

Well the issue comes in that I have a problem and I want to say it in a passive aggressive way, but every time I go to speak it or type it that verse comes rushing to my head and I stop typing or I shut my mouth.

Now before you start telling me that if there is an offense I need to confront the person, I know, but this isn't one of those situations.  Well, maybe, but part of it is my own deep seated issues.  Such as the fact I have this deep fear of being left out, and when I know I have been left out it hurts horribly. 

Now, having said that, thanks to the study, that is something that I'm allowing God to work through and heal.  Hence the reason that I can not open my big mouth and say what I want to say.  Plus, when the hurt is over that statement will still be out there.  So for now I'm keeping silent.

Now, the music in which I'm about to embed is phenomenal, but the part I love is that the second one is a sequel.  Ah, my love of all things Daley (Dean/Haley  - Supernatural/One Tree Hill).  Give it a shot, plus the music is awesome!



Here is the Sequel:



With Love, Kelli

History Making Moments

This weekend was a special weekend.  At about 7:00 am on Saturday morning I jumped into my dad's truck and we headed down the highway to go and see my grandpa (dad's dad).  He was getting ordained this weekend and I wanted to go.  So I did.

My grandpa has been a deacon for many years, but the Lord had been placing on his heart that he needed to become ordained.  So, that is what he did.  My dad's three sisters (he's the only boy) were also there and some of my cousins and their children were also able to make it.

First, let me say the best pizza I have ever had is at the pizza place in the small town located near my grandpa's.  They are awesome.  They bake the toppings under the cheese and then the sauce.... it is just unbelievable.  Add to it cheap ranch and I'm in heaven.  It is all so very good.  Our waitress is also sweet as pie, so it always makes going something fun to do.

Second, the local cafe makes delicious food as well.  On Sunday Grandpa's treat is their buffet (which when I was younger seemed so much bigger).  Sitting and eating with the family is always fun.  We have many good laughs and conversations.  We can even discuss politics and have a lively discussion without fear of meanness or reprisal.

Third, just being back there reminds me of my grandmother who's passing will be ten years in October.  I wish more people could've met her, she was such an amazing woman.  In fact, it was her influence that got my grandpa to where he is today (not that God didn't have an influence, but he used her to speak to my grandpa - that is for sure!).  Shortly after my dad's oldest sister was born my grandma told my grandpa that she was going to church and if he was going to be the kind of husband and father he ought to be he would go to.  Not to give my aunt's age away but close to sixty something years later my grandpa has been a faithful attendant and remarkable man of God.

I know that he had influenced my dad.  Which brings me to the History Making Moment.  My dad was ordained as a deacon many years ago, and if you are not familiar with the service, once the deacon  has made his statements to the church of what he will uphold, then there is laying on of the hands. This is when anyone who has been ordained as a deacon comes and prays over the one who is being ordained.

I don't want to post the photo until after Father's Day because it will be the gift I give, but I have an extraordinary picture of my father praying over his father in this very special ceremony.  It was something to see and I'm so glad I captured the moment.

Then I got up at 3:15 a.m. so we could leave by four to make it home and into the office.  All worth it though.

Quick Traveling Tip: ALWAYS write a list of what you need to take.  I usually do and thought I didn't need to do it, and I left my face wash and blow dryer.  Granted I could borrow that, but still... not pleasant.