Author's Note: This has been written over a two week period.
Quick Point: If you haven't had any struggles in your life, or things have pretty much always gone your way what I'm about to say is not for you. However, if you've done everything you know to do and you're worse off than you've been this is for you.
I have had to pray for encouragement for the past few months and much more intensely for the past few weeks. Financially, personally, spiritually, politically, drivingly (I know not a word, but I was on a role)... Lets just there isn't a realm that hasn't been affected (or is it effected? I get this wrong nearly every time, I'm sorry!! - I don't like be grammatically incorrect, but I'm really bad at it.).
The worst has been my finances. I do everything I know to do: I tithe, I pray, I study the Word, and still it is in such a dire state that the actual thought of it could bring me to tears... so I gloss over it. A week or so I was to the point of no longer being sad or upset, but downright furious. Everything irritated me. In fact one night I went to Keni's house and told her that I was at the end of my rope, and all I wanted to do was swear. I wanted to use the f-word like no one's business because it represented my frustration and anger over a situation I can't seem to have any control over.
I refrained for her. I did not refrain for my mother when she asked what was wrong. After my spilling of all that was going on, of all the failures (and my seeming anti-Midas touch where everything I touch seems to go to crap), I said I was mad at the world. Then she asked me if I was mad at the world or at God?
The truth is I was mad at God. I didn't want to be. I don't want to be a petulant child unable to have the "faith" to go through this without complaint. However, I couldn't lie to myself or to God and I was angry. Deeply angry. It isn't like this problem just suddenly manifested itself and has only been going on a few weeks, months, or days. No, it has been going on for YEARS. And it seems no matter what I do it doesn't get better. I have faith God can do anything, but it has seemed, especially the last two years, that He has some how forgotten me.
I know that's not true, but in the hardest moments, especially the last few weeks when it all was so unrelenting that is how it felt. Last week I started making it a daily prayer. And I want to tell you God has delivered. My circumstances are just as depressing as they ever were, but He has given me the peace and encouragement I needed.
Last week I found out I didn't get a job I had interviewed for. While slightly upsetting I mourned the money more than the job itself. However, it didn't upset me nearly as much as it could. At the exact moment I got the call I was reading the wonderful news that Shas was having a boy! Plus with all the people praying for me if I didn't get the job it was because God didn't want me to have it.
At the same time I was able to put a two month deferment on my student loans, which although I know all about the problems with that, it is a blessing for me. So, even though I only made $3 (all gifts) it was okay. It was really okay. Then I made a radical change, one that I've been trying to implement for some time. As the saying goes, "Money makes a wonderful servant, but a bad master."
I no longer wanted my money to be my master. It certainly is necessary to every day living, but at the same time the way it can cause such stress is, for lack of a better word, stressful. After this epiphany I tithed one of my dollars. There. To be honest it was hard (I now only had $2), but the longer I thought about it the better I felt.
On Monday it was pouring. It was blissfully cool (54 degrees), and rainy. My radio doesn't work most of the time, so I was listening to my MP3 when I started to skip past "King of Glory" by Third Day. Then I thought, no, I'm going to praise God. No matter what, He will see me through this.
Before the chorus began my phone rang. It was the guy I had interviewed with asking me if I was still interested in the job. I most certainly was....
A few days later I want you to know I start on Monday.
I want you to know, if you are in that spot now, if it is hard and you're thinking, that's great for her, but what about me? I do know how you feel, and I do want you to be encouraged that it will get better if you know Jesus.
Thank you for those of you who have been praying for me. They have blessed me and I'm truly grateful.
King of Glory
by Third Day