Feeling Vulnerable

I haven't felt this horrible about myself since August 2008 when I looked in Denise's mirror in Mexico and really saw all 260 pounds of myself. I know I had gained weight, someone close to me pointed it out in a rather crude manner. I felt so disgusting and ugly at that moment that I believe it will be forever lodged in my memory.

Flash forward to today, (at least 25 pounds lighter, but obviously still heavy), and I think I've had that sort of moment again. I have had horrible skin since I started puberty. I was a thin girl before it got a hold of me with beautiful creamy skin. Now, I suffer from roseca and I field questions from kids about my skin. My self confidence is shot, has been for a while, and I'm usually able to rally myself around the fact that it will get better.

However, day after day, and year after year, I can't help but lose that hope. I have been hoping for so long for so many things and I've tried so hard to pray, to hope, to have faith, and I'm so disappointed now that I just feel like resigning myself to the fact that it doesn't get better than this. I know that's not true, but that is how it feels.

It's 12:23 in the morning and I need to get some sleep, but I just couldn't get past the tears tonight. Writing always makes me feel better, and so excuse this self indulgence in self pity, I just needed something tangible to tell this too. I hope soon, very soon, I can give you the praise report I've been praying and hoping for.

With love, Kelli.

Unplugged..Just no Album

I love technology. However, there are times where it makes me want to pull my hair out. The past eight days proof. Since I wrote here last this is what has happened to me:

1. Car Radio died (last songs heard: Enjoy the Silence, Gone, Happy Ending (and it is not about having a happy ending!)
2. Found out/believe car radio has a short in it.
3. No Money for Kelli and still need to buy a new headlight.
4. Picked phone up and watched helplessly as screen detached from body of phone.
5. Had to trade phone for old 2006 phone.
6. Find out I have to charge phone every 24 hours (as opposed to my 6 day battery on recently departed phone).
7. Discovered that old phone doesn't pull contact list from SIM card. Lost a few numbers and not sure if current ones work.
8. Did work for client to upgrade from html to asp.net. After, just wanted to bang head against wall.
9. Slim pickins at the office. Can't eat Ramen noodles anymore!

However, because I am an optimist, this is what God has done for me:

1. Car radio came back. Sure it skips when I hit a pot hole or the railroad tracks or Venus passed Mercury or Joe in Ohio sneezed, but it is back for the most part. Thankful.
2. Still need to get headlights, but I'm okay for the time being.
3. My bff, Shas's, sister, Ash, gave birth to Liam on Monday night. So much adorable, precious, goodness. Can't wait till he's old enough to go out in public then we can play pass the baby at the dinner table.
4. Church is selling Stand Mixer, and will sell it to me... cheap.
5. Old phone battery is just getting me prepared for when I get an iPhone.
6. I can now ask for everyone's number and not feel stupid.
7. I get a free chiropractor (sp?) appointment tomorrow.
8. Discovered a delightful show, Billy the Exterminator. I just have so much fun watching that show.

So, it didn't completely even out, but tomorrow is Friday and I am hopeful. Meanwhile Top 5 Shower Re-Cap is still going strong. You can click here to view it.

I love a good mix with older songs. I love to read others, so it is really fun to do one of my own. Meanwhile I got a discussion going on over at Facebook about Miracle Whip vs Mayo. For the record in my universe, Miracle Whip always wins. Especially if you make Deviled Eggs.

May you all have pleasant and wonderful dreams!!

Close Robert Palmer, but I'm Addicted to Music

On my YouTube account (the personal one) it says Addicted to Music. That is one truth about me I don't think will change. I love music. Beyond the emotional things God gave us I think music is one of the best. (As if you couldn't tell I felt that way.)

So, today while getting ready for work I thought of an idea for my day job. I would write a Top 5 Shower Re-Cap every day. I have my morning timed out by the number of songs it takes me to do a task. 1/2 song to get out of bed (if its good, 1-2 seconds if bad), 2 songs to brush my teeth and wake up, 2 1/2 songs to take my shower, and 5 songs to do my hair (if I blow dry it straight), only 3 songs if I'm putting it in a pony tail.

The only time I don't listen to the radio is when I do my hair. Then I go to YouTube and pick 5 songs for that morning. What does this have to do with my job, well I work for CommXTech, and we have EBT and Artist Avail Network, which are for artists and entertainment agencies. I think the Artist Avail could use a fun link, so voila, the Top 5 Shower Re-Cap will appear every day Monday-Friday. They will have the videos to accompany and you can check them out on CommXTech's YouTube channel for that day. All older vids will be in favorites and the two playlists (Good Videos or Good Songs).

Today's Top 5 are: (which I realize are 4 Covers and 1 Original)

1. Enjoy the Silence - Lucana Coil
2. Renegade - Daughtry
3. Don't Stop Believing - Glee Cast
4. Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros - only original
5. Bad Romance - 30 Seconds to Mars

I just can't get enough music that is for sure, so here is Bad Romance cover by 30 Seconds to Mars:

Thomas Edison's Wisdom

Thomas Edison was quoted as saying, "Results? Why, man I have results! I know thousands of things that don't work." I think we can all safely agree that Thomas Edison's invention of the light bulb was a good thing. I know I appreciate it at 2:00 in the morning.

And a few minutes ago there were quite a few paragraphs talking about what trial and errors I faced today. Turns out I just needed some patience. So we will see how it works tomorrow or even Thursday.

And in the theme of trial and error I made Cake Balls for the first time last night. They were yummy, but not very pretty. As you can view here:

I believe I know how to fix them.

I found a site today that fits my theme for this blog and my company. It is called, Gives Me Hope, tagline like FML but for Optimists. Which would be me. I have teared up on nearly all of these, but I find most people aren't nearly as sappy as I am, so the tears might not come. However, you should check it out. I think it will give you some hope.

As an overweight girl this one stood out to me: Five years ago, I witnessed an overweight girl being harassed. A group of "popular girls" had pulled down her pants while we were leaving school. The girl grabbed her pants and ran away crying. Our school's star quarterback chased after her to comfort her.

I just came back from their wedding. GMH.

This has nothing to do with the above, but I was thinking about my sister, M., who loves Depeche Mode. I like them too, so when I heard Enjoy the Silence cover by Lacuna Coil my ears perked up. Great cover and great song. You can enjoy it here:

A Hot Mess - Literally

I don't mean like I'm hot-good looking (although if you want to think that you can email me ;), but its near 80 here... So I've been missing in action for the better part of two weeks now. The reason is quite simple. Last week I had some variation of the flu with cough adn sore throat. It was bad, so horrible in fact I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Now, I'm suffering from allergies, which today has mainfested itself by making my right eye water. Then the left eye, which I can only assume was feeling left out, started twitching.

So, what does all this have to do with a blog about restoration? Nothing, but I felt the need to share.

So, as you may know I'm a huge Law & Order: Criminal Intent fan. Specifically a Goren (Vincent D'Onofrio) and Eames (Kathryn Erbe) fan. Tuesday night was their last performance as the awesome duo. It made me cry. After all, this is nine years of partnership and viewing here. Thankfully, Criminal Musings (QuietFire) put together this lovely video to showcase the last episode, Loyalty, and the amazing partnership of Goren and Eames. You can view it here:



Okay, I think I'll end here. Such a sweet video. On another note, does anyone know where to get good ingredients for a caramel apple?